


i wish i was the moon

by plantsareneat (theblindseeress)



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Depression, Julian Devorak Route - Reversed Ending, Loneliness, M/M, Misery, Other Pisces Traits, Sadness, Tragedy, because hes a bird and hands on, oh also some scratching, talons on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24533836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theblindseeress/pseuds/plantsareneat
Summary: The journey continued. They found what sparing help they could, and time moved on. Every time it seemed like they got close, Santiago found himself dreading it more and more. That terror was deeply rooted in his chest, curled around that one shred of hope he had that kept them going.When they found themselves at that door, he thought his heart was going to give out. He kept reading the sign over and over— “The Hanged Raven”. It felt so familiar, but still so wrong. The memories didn’t come quite right, and he could only feel that striking fear in him. It took everything to turn the handle and go inside.
Relationships: Apprentice/Julian Devorak
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	i wish i was the moon

**Author's Note:**

> beginning of a thing im writing about julian and my mc santiago to expand on his reversed end. hoping to write some more eventually but this is what i have for now :) also, julians dialogue here is mostly ripped from the game because it was good and i didnt wanna change it all  
> 
> 
> ###### ♪ i wish i was the moon - neko case ♪

The world seemed to exist in only a stream-of-consciousness state, filled with uncertainty and fluidity that caused reality to shift and wobble. Santiago couldn’t even remember the realms of the Arcana acting in such a chaotic state on their own— the force of merging the worlds, he thought, caused some horrible friction that wouldn’t be able to stop.  


What did time mean? Sometimes he slept, sometimes he ate, but the world felt the same no matter what he would do. He noticed one day that his hair had grown long— when had it become so long? Weeks and years and centuries may well have been outdated words by this point. The fluid world brought such things to him, and he simply adapted and carried on. He tied his hair back and didn’t think of it again. 

A space of dreams forgotten and horrors barely avoided, Santiago spent his days following Scout, his shoulders often occupied by Malak and Sacha. Trouble came and went, fear came and went, tangible space came and went, memories came and went. Every day felt like it took a little more from him, like he wasn’t sure what he was doing, where he was going. He had to focus on the one thought above it all— Julian. He simply had to find Julian. 

Maintaining the thought was easy in theory, until faced with the endless hours and days and weeks and however long it all seemed to go on for. There was too much time to think, too much time to doubt. Often in hiding, when the world was still and Santiago had the space to feel the anxiety and fear writhe in him, he wondered if Julian was still out there. If they ever came face to face again, what if the sacrifice Julian had made wasn’t worth it to him, in the end? If he saw Santiago and regarded him with nothing but hatred?  


The time would move on, the thoughts would hover at the edge again until the moment arose. It would be resting hours, curled in an uncertain building that felt almost familiar with books unreadable and floors without coolness or warmth. How could he have fucked it up so badly? Julian did what he did because he hadn’t trusted in _them_ , that the force of them _together_ could have stopped this horrible world. Julian had given his everything, so what was Santiago doing? All the memories of passivity haunted him, letting Julian pull back into his own mind too much, not reaching back enough. Every time he should have said something and simply didn’t. Tears would prick at his eyes as he fell into the turbulent rest, and the memories occupied his mind long after he woke up.  


He couldn’t let himself fall completely into despair. Even if he had to be haunted by it, he kept the single thought. He had to find Julian. No matter what happened, no matter what horrible rejection or misery could follow, he had to find Julian.  


The journey continued. They found what sparing help they could, and time moved on. Every time it seemed like they got close, Santiago found himself dreading it more and more. That terror was deeply rooted in his chest, curled around that one shred of hope he had that kept them going.  


When they found themselves at that door, he thought his heart was going to give out. He kept reading the sign over and over— “The Hanged Raven”. It felt so familiar, but still so wrong. The memories didn’t come quite right, and he could only feel that striking fear in him. It took everything to turn the handle and go inside.  


The interior was as shattered as the rest of the world, filled with that neutral sense of something, yet having absolutely nothing to it. Crumbling energies, compiled in a space. He ignored the mirrors, the candles, the music, and he stared directly at the feathered creature in the seat, who was speaking to him now.

“Welcome, stranger! Come on in, pull up a chair, have a drink!”

He felt sick with anxiety, his heart in his throat as he choked out, “Julian?”

“Hmmm?” The creature started to move a bit. Santiago noticed the sheer amount of tankards surrounding it. He’d been distracted by the voice coming out of the large, avian mass. “Haven’t heard that name in a while…”

Santiago’s eyes were burning now, his voice cracking as it came out, and he started moving towards him. “Julian, is it really you?”

It looked up, and Santiago felt everything stop as he looked into those sad, grey eyes. It was impossible for him to mistake him. Despite the ragged feathers, the wings and the twisted limbs, the lost look on his face— it was Julian.

“Santi?” He said, starting forward a bit. There was a broken desperation to his tone, barely held back. Then he looked at him again, frowning as he slumped back into his chair, looking away.. “Ah, I see. Another illusion.”

“Illusion?” His voice was thick, tears bubbling up and over. “I’m no illusion.”

“Oh, bravo! Excellent impression…” The despair in Santiago was slowly being overwhelmed by the sheer, horrible amount of love he felt, even looking at this shell of a man. Memories came back to him so hard he couldn’t take it, hardly listening to what Julian was detailing back to him. He couldn’t wait any longer and was almost running over to him, much to the surprise of the man in the chair. “Uh, you, uh… what are you doing?”

He was shifting warily in his chair, pressing his back against it as Santiago hurried forward. He didn’t respond, taking hold of Julian’s face and crushing his mouth against his. All of the fear of never seeing him again, all the terror that he could reject him, it all left his mind as he clung his fingers frantically into his feathers.

“Julian,” He said in a breath, voice almost a wail as he pushed his face against his, smudging his uncontrollable tears into the downy feathers that speckled Julian’s cheeks. Julian was desperately leaning up into the kiss, saying nothing, just letting out a low sound. They parted, though Santiago had no desire to. 

Julian shook as he grabbed at his shoulders, and Santiago could feel the unfamiliar talons pressing precariously into his coat. His entire expression and demeanour had changed, suddenly startled into the reality of Santiago actually being in the room. He looked at him frantically, saying, “Santi, it’s you— you’re here, you’re— you’re alive, you’re real—”

Before Santiago could do anything more, Julian pushed himself back, the chair making a horrible noise as it was forced against the floor. He hit the table coated in tankards, sending plenty noisily clattering to the floor. Santiago took a nervous step back from him, watching the sad, twisted look on Julian’s face.

“You… you must be disappointed, Santi. You must have travelled so far, overcome so much—”

“Julian, stop.” He said, his voice still rough with misery. Julian looked surprised at the interruption, and his own sad words cut off as Santiago moved back towards him.

“The Julian you loved is gone,” He sneered, shaking his head.

“He’s right here,” Santiago said tearfully, cursing how pitiful his own words sounded. “The man I love, I’m looking at him.”

Julian returned this with a suffering look, rising from his chair. His feathers were shuddering around him, making him look even larger than he did. “Is he? Do you know how much of yourself you can lose before you aren’t really you any longer? My attempts at fighting back against the Devil were nothing but complete losses, again and again. I lost pieces of myself each time. Now all I can do is sit in my haven,” He gestured around the tavern, smiling wryly at the word. “My fitting little tavern, away from the world where nothing else remains for me. I lost everything, the day I made my deal.”

Santiago was staring at him, looking raw and wounded. He just wanted to comfort him, to do anything to get his horrible misery away from him. “You didn’t lose me,” He said.

Julian was sneering again, wrinkling his nose up. “Do you think you still love me, even now? Seeing what I’ve become, the demon I turned into? This creature, bent by time and horribly disfigured with his failures? I’m nothing like the man you used to know— I’m a coward, and I’m dangerous.”

“Of course I still love you—” He said resolutely, quietly.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Julian muttered, throwing himself once again back into his chair, his feathers settling down. 

“You’re not a coward,” He continued, voice cutting into something like anger as the tears welled in his eyes again. Julian looked over at him in surprise, stunned when Santiago approached him again even after his display. He brought his shaking hands to Julian’s face, watching the shock in his features as he looked directly in his eyes. “You’re not a demon, you’re still my baby.”

“Santi—” He said miserably, his eyebrows pressed up as Santiago nestled his forehead against his, feeling the feathers. The man made a small noise, leaning his forehead forward as Santiago shifted to kiss it, his fingers gently moving into the feathers on his head. 

He pulled his face back, and as soon as Julian turned up his face and gave him that helpless, loving expression, he immediately kissed him. It was gentler than the first, not as starving as it had been. Julian’s desperate eagerness still came through, gasping and pressing into the kiss, clutching at Santiago’s arm with a lot more strength than he expected.  


Sudden pain made him pull back a little from the kiss, mostly from the surprise of it. Julian was entirely startled away, immediately dropping his hands away from his body, shaking as they both looked at the thin cut, clean through both the coat and shirt Santiago had on.

“Santi! Santi, I hurt you, I’m— I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I tried to tell you—”

“It’s just a scratch, Julian.” Santiago said, moving back to him, giving him a soft look as he stroked his hand against his face. “You can make it up to me.”

Julian was stunned. “You— you’re not angry?”

“What for? It was an accident,” He said, pressing his eyebrows up and together, tilting his head to look at him. “It doesn’t even hurt now.”

“What if I— what if I do something worse next time?” Julian said anxiously.

Santiago’s face flushed a little, giving him a gentle grin. “Well, I wouldn’t mind it that much.”

Julian looked aghast. “Santi— I don’t know my own strength, I could…”

“Hush,” He said softly, sifting his fingers through the long feathers on his head. Julian’s words died away into a mumble at the touch, leaning against his hand. “You just need some practise.”

Julian bit at his lip and looked at him, eyes full of wonder and eagerness, face flushing. “What do I do?” He asked softly.

He grinned at him, moving back from him to start undoing the clasps on his coat, tossing both it and his bag to the side. They clattered into tankards and broken glass, fallen from the mirrors, but he paid it no mind as he looked down Julian. “Touch me, Julian.”

Julian still looked impossibly nervous, his hand trembling as he reached towards him. Santiago met him halfway, taking hold of his hand, feeling the cool, scaly texture rasp against his fingers. He pulled it to his chest, making Julian glance up at his face anxiously. He stroked his fingers gently along the hard surface of his hand, feeling it relax and the talons press lightly against the fabric of his shirt.

“Is this… is this fine?” He asked quietly.

“You’re doing wonderful, Julian,” Santiago purred softly, giving him an encouraging look.

Julian smiled slightly back, running his palm down his front, his nails catching in the fabric and pulling some threads out. The fabric didn’t rip, though, and Santiago allowed his hand to follow Julian’s. Once it had trailed down, Santiago gently took hold of it, relocating it to his side. Julian tightened the hold, watching Santiago’s face as he did so. It was firm, but not painful in the slightest.

“That’s perfect,” He said, and Julian flushed again, looking pleased. Santiago reached up and started undoing the buttons of his shirt, stopping halfway down so that just his chest was exposed. Julian looked on with a yearning expression, looking back up to his face once Santiago stopped and rested his arms again.

Julian brought his other hand up, seeming more nervous and careful with the exposed skin. He brushed against Santiago’s chest with just his knuckles at first, gently stroking them down. The sensation made Santiago shiver, and he absentmindedly moved forward into the touch. Julian unfurled his fingers, resting the talons on his chest, trying to move it gently.  


Santiago sighed happily, bringing a hand up to rest against his, pushing it harder against his skin. Julian put slightly more pressure down, the points of his talons resting against the skin. When Julian went to shift his hand down along his chest, a couple of the talons dug in too hard, scratches blooming on the skin with droplets of blood. Now that he was anticipating the sensation, it took him considerably less by surprise. Julian tried to take his hand back in panic, but Santiago held it in place, still letting out a sigh of delight.

“It isn’t bad, Julian.” He said softly. “I’m not that fragile.”

“I— Are you… are you sure it’s alright?” Julian said, staring at the blood.

“Hey, listen to me.” Santiago stared at him until he met his eyes. “I’m going to be fine. I can show you.” He took the hand off of Julian’s, smudging his fingers across the lightly bloodied lines. He enjoyed the brief sensation of magic off of his fingertips, sighing for that as he moved his hand away and showed Julian his chest. Only the blood remained. “See?”

“You’re… alright.” Julian stared on in amazement, his hand slowly starting to relax against his skin once more. Santiago smiled as the hand, still slightly shaking, started to move down again.

“I’m alright,” He insisted, shivering as the cool hand curled around his side, talons scraping gently at his skin. The feeling made Santiago’s face burn, still trying to move closer to Julian. His mind was still racing, his heart beating frenetically in his chest. All sensibility told him to take it slow— Julian was cautious, and there was the real danger of injury from his uncontrolled hands— but Santiago didn’t want to. He just wanted him.

His hands were back into his feathers, smoothing the ones on his cheeks and slipping into the ones on his head, fingers running down all of the trail down the back of his neck. Julian looked up at him, murmuring his name softly.

“I love you, Julian.” He said, leaning to kiss him again. As he said it, his heart ached, thinking of all the doubt he’d had simply before walking into this building.

How could he ever think of Julian hating him? Feeling the soothing warmth of the love between them reassured him that despite everything that happened, they had each other. Whatever mistakes and regrets… they were together now. It wasn't the end for them, and it wasn't the end for everything.


End file.
